I have this bad habit of accidentally making predictions of how a given situation will pan out.
As an extremist (in certain ways) I tend to think of the outcome in either A. amazingly awesome or B. terribly awful results.
This almost never happens.
Sometimes I'll feel and creative think of maybe a C or D, but never foreseeing the actual results.
For example, recently I had jury duty. In learning of my "duty" I promptly listened to Jury Duty by the OC Supertones and finished the book I was reading which BY CHANCE happened to be a CS Lewis book (I will talk more of this book soon)
As I was sitting in the courthouse, my mind made all these assumptions as to what would happen.
A. While sitting in the courthouse I would meet someone awesome and become best friends or they would give me a million dollars (or something to that extent)
B. I would be called to sit on some awful trial and be forced into a heated debate with the other jurors about a strangers fate.
My thinking led me to conclude that being called for jury duty was either for my unseen benefit (A) or was some awful trial I had to suffer through (B) for some unforeseen benefit of someone else.
Neither A or B happened.
Instead I sat in a courtroom for a few hours reading and then went home.
In both my imaginary conclusions I was at the center, either in a positive light or negative light. This is the problem with expectations, we put ourselves at the center.
In the end, jury duty was just that, duty, an obedient act that had no visible consequences for me.
The book I am reading is Perelandra by C.S. Lewis and is the second book in a space trilogy. I don't want to give anything away as its a great book and I highly recommend the trilogy if you love C.S. Lewis' work as much as I do.
In the book there is a conversation about obedience. In this conversation it is being said that God creates situations in which we are called to obey for no other reason then for the experience of obedience. Lewis' character Ransom goes on further to say that these situations are for us to choose obedience over our will as a way of getting closer to God. In other situations it may be our pleasure to obey God, whether it directly benefits us or is within our on will, some acts of obedience are very easy to do and want.
Other things though, may be against our will but even those situations though hard at first prove to be beneficial in the end.
This is where the A and B assumptions come into play. God asks us to do something and (maybe its just me) we assume it will either have positive results or really suck (but eventually turn around to good).
Once again we are at the center of expectations.
A few years ago I had some rough experiences with the church. I had created all these self-promoting expectations and was let down when they didn't happen. (I am not trying to down play the gravity of what happened I just don't want to get into it right now)
Since that experience, I decided that expectations in general were bad, and therefor I should try not to expect anything, therefor being pleasantly surprised by good things and never let down.
This is a sad way to live and recently God has been challenging these ideas. The problem with expectations like I said is we put ourselves at the center, either in a positive or negative way. The Lord is suggesting that if He is the center of our expectations then we can't go wrong.
What do we know about the Lord and His plans?
A. They are good (Jeremiah 29:11)
B. They are beyond our understanding (Isiah 55:8)
So if we put our expectations in Him rather then in the results then we won't be let down.
Obedience is much the same. I feel God told me to start going to this church. I have been twice now (I skipped toady but that feels like another blog) but haven't really seen much why I should go there. Again I started with expectations of either a totally awesome or awful experience and have had neither.
I don't really see why but I really do feel God told me to go there, and then I started reading this book. As I have mentioned the whole book is about obeying, even when if not especially when it doesn't make any sense. Lewis challenges the reader with the statement:
"Predestination and freedom are apparently identical."
(Not to go into the Calvinistic ideas of predestination vs free will)
My reaction to acts of simple obedience like this is a feeling of losing freedom. Lewis is saying however that when we follow what the Lord has for us through choosing to obey, then that is where true freedom lies.
That's why He gives us these opportunities, not to control us, but to give an opportunity to grow closer through the act and to walk in deeper freedom.
I don't mean to sound like I have all this figured out, because I sure don't.
God told me to go to church and this morning I didn't because I was scared of the commitment. When I write blogs its me processing what God is teaching me. I never have it figured out, that's why i blog about it. Its teaching myself.
Thanks for reading and processing with me :)
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Thursday, July 7, 2011
I Shouldn't Be Surprised When God Answers My Questions (But I always am)
I just finished my first year of teaching.
If you've read my blogs or talked to me in real life then you'll know that this year was both great and tragic.
The year was God constantly challenging me and my definitions of love and ministry.
I was blessed to see Him move, and challenged to just exist in His love and not worry about seeing Him move but having faith He did.
I really do feel lucky at my jobs and everyday thankful I get to do what I do. However, at the end of each day I just came home mentally and emotionally drained. It felt like all of me was being spent at work everyday and when I got home, there was nothing left.
I know that first year teaching is always the hardest but the level of emptiness I was feeling at the end of each day didn't feel right.
Before coming to Cornerstone I sought the Lord with questions of why I was feeling so empty. I had very specific questions I asked and as Cornerstone progressed, each question (word for word at times) was answered.
The first day of the fest I spent just wandering around, overwhelmed by being surrounded by so many Christians. A few months ago the Lord gave me a dream about reconnecting with a church and has been pressuring me ever since to join a church.
This was like 3 months ago and.....I never did anything about it. I wanted to, but also didn't want to at all. I have some distrust for the church that I am working through and while I know God is calling me back into organized church, I didn't want to do it. So I haven't......
Cornerstone however is different and has church much like what I am looking for so I felt safe walking into a service there.
The first service I went to was a spirit-filled group and during the worship God showed me something very cool. In John 4:24 the Bible talks about worshipers who worship in Spirit and in truth. I saw this happening in a vision. I saw the body worshiping, but as people began to enter into spirit worship, I saw their own Spirit manifest and connect with the Holy Spirit. In the vision, people all over the tent were manifesting their spirit, connecting to the Holy Spirit, and the other people, so it was this massive, outer body, supernatural worship through the Holy Spirit.
It was quite possibly the coolest thing I have ever seen. My words don't describe it accurately and I tried drawing both a literal and abstract interpretation of it but it fails in awesomeness as to what I really saw.
I have always felt the difference between worship/singing compared to worshiping in the Spirit (John 4:24- "God is Spirit and those who worship Him must worship in Spirit and truth.') but until now had no visual reference or solid way to explain it.
So that was awesome, being reminded that corporate worship is a supernatural experience and though God meets us when we worship alone, worshiping with a group like that can literally be an out of body experience.
When the speaker began, I had to choke down my immediate expectations of disagreement. (why do I react this way?) He started talking about church and how God is teaching Him to do church not from a place of "we know better then you" but a place of love and humility.
His attitudes and thoughts on the church are very similar to mine, though he was speaking from a place just beyond where I am now.
He gave a fantastic analogy about why we as Christians need to church. He compared the church to the show "Biggest Loser". I have never seen the show, but his metaphor made perfect sense and was something like this:
The show is designed to help severely overweight people not only lose weight, but develop disciplined and healthy lifestyles. When people join the show, they are admitting that they need help, that they essentially cannot do it on their own. The people on the show are there to support and help, and step in with discipline accountability and rules. Though its difficult at first and the rules feel restricting, as they progress, an inner discipline comes out and the rules become a natural part of them. He likened this to Christians and why we need the church. When we get spiritually out of shape we need to turn to the church and admit we need them. (this is a hard part eh?) Like being retrained physically, getting back into church is a discipline that may feel odd and unpleasant at first (maybe thats just me?) but as we get back into God's heart our Spirit is strengthened and we no longer feel restricted but free. The "rules" of the church no longer seem to be annoying but a natural extension of our Spiritual attitude.
To be honest, I have been very out of shape Spiritually. For real. I am admitting it now and seeking a church as the Lord continues to pressure me haha. (which what a sweet friend we have in the Lord, He pressures us to do things not for His benefit but our own)
The second part of my answer came through a word I have heard many times, but apparently not enough. It was about placing our identity in Christ rather then in what we do. How often have I heard this? (oh so many times) Yeeeeeeeet, I had been doing it.....Everyday.
I had been completely placing my identity in my job, which is why I felt like nothing at the end of the day! (that sentence needed an "!" as it is a fresh revelation to me every time I say it) If I put all my worth in my job, then no freakin wonder I felt nothing when I wasn't there because I was no longer doing the thing I let define me. Unlike work or anything or person God is constant and when our identity is in Him, we can NEVER come up empty.
A couple of blogs back I wrote about the Lord returning me the money I lost when my rear windshield was shattered. I thought it was awesome just getting my money back, but the Lord showed another layer of prophetic as I was writing. It was the rear window, and it cost $500 to repair. The Lord was prophetically saying He was using grace (the #5 is Biblically symbolic of grace) to restore hurts from the past. The short version of that word is He is using grace to restore past hurts from the church (I have a lot more on this but I'd rather talk about it in real life) That money was a prophetic sign and also gave me the provisions to go to Cornerstone.
Also I had a vision for what I would like my next tattoo to be. I have been wanting to get a tree tattoo but couldn't visualize how I wanted it to go. In the vision The Lord reminded me that He is the Tree and we are the branches (John 15:5) so I want to get a branch on my back shoulder with something like this:
....That was a lot of words :)
If you've read my blogs or talked to me in real life then you'll know that this year was both great and tragic.
The year was God constantly challenging me and my definitions of love and ministry.
I was blessed to see Him move, and challenged to just exist in His love and not worry about seeing Him move but having faith He did.
I really do feel lucky at my jobs and everyday thankful I get to do what I do. However, at the end of each day I just came home mentally and emotionally drained. It felt like all of me was being spent at work everyday and when I got home, there was nothing left.
I know that first year teaching is always the hardest but the level of emptiness I was feeling at the end of each day didn't feel right.
Before coming to Cornerstone I sought the Lord with questions of why I was feeling so empty. I had very specific questions I asked and as Cornerstone progressed, each question (word for word at times) was answered.
The first day of the fest I spent just wandering around, overwhelmed by being surrounded by so many Christians. A few months ago the Lord gave me a dream about reconnecting with a church and has been pressuring me ever since to join a church.
This was like 3 months ago and.....I never did anything about it. I wanted to, but also didn't want to at all. I have some distrust for the church that I am working through and while I know God is calling me back into organized church, I didn't want to do it. So I haven't......
Cornerstone however is different and has church much like what I am looking for so I felt safe walking into a service there.
The first service I went to was a spirit-filled group and during the worship God showed me something very cool. In John 4:24 the Bible talks about worshipers who worship in Spirit and in truth. I saw this happening in a vision. I saw the body worshiping, but as people began to enter into spirit worship, I saw their own Spirit manifest and connect with the Holy Spirit. In the vision, people all over the tent were manifesting their spirit, connecting to the Holy Spirit, and the other people, so it was this massive, outer body, supernatural worship through the Holy Spirit.
It was quite possibly the coolest thing I have ever seen. My words don't describe it accurately and I tried drawing both a literal and abstract interpretation of it but it fails in awesomeness as to what I really saw.
I have always felt the difference between worship/singing compared to worshiping in the Spirit (John 4:24- "God is Spirit and those who worship Him must worship in Spirit and truth.') but until now had no visual reference or solid way to explain it.
So that was awesome, being reminded that corporate worship is a supernatural experience and though God meets us when we worship alone, worshiping with a group like that can literally be an out of body experience.
When the speaker began, I had to choke down my immediate expectations of disagreement. (why do I react this way?) He started talking about church and how God is teaching Him to do church not from a place of "we know better then you" but a place of love and humility.
His attitudes and thoughts on the church are very similar to mine, though he was speaking from a place just beyond where I am now.
He gave a fantastic analogy about why we as Christians need to church. He compared the church to the show "Biggest Loser". I have never seen the show, but his metaphor made perfect sense and was something like this:
The show is designed to help severely overweight people not only lose weight, but develop disciplined and healthy lifestyles. When people join the show, they are admitting that they need help, that they essentially cannot do it on their own. The people on the show are there to support and help, and step in with discipline accountability and rules. Though its difficult at first and the rules feel restricting, as they progress, an inner discipline comes out and the rules become a natural part of them. He likened this to Christians and why we need the church. When we get spiritually out of shape we need to turn to the church and admit we need them. (this is a hard part eh?) Like being retrained physically, getting back into church is a discipline that may feel odd and unpleasant at first (maybe thats just me?) but as we get back into God's heart our Spirit is strengthened and we no longer feel restricted but free. The "rules" of the church no longer seem to be annoying but a natural extension of our Spiritual attitude.
To be honest, I have been very out of shape Spiritually. For real. I am admitting it now and seeking a church as the Lord continues to pressure me haha. (which what a sweet friend we have in the Lord, He pressures us to do things not for His benefit but our own)
The second part of my answer came through a word I have heard many times, but apparently not enough. It was about placing our identity in Christ rather then in what we do. How often have I heard this? (oh so many times) Yeeeeeeeet, I had been doing it.....Everyday.
I had been completely placing my identity in my job, which is why I felt like nothing at the end of the day! (that sentence needed an "!" as it is a fresh revelation to me every time I say it) If I put all my worth in my job, then no freakin wonder I felt nothing when I wasn't there because I was no longer doing the thing I let define me. Unlike work or anything or person God is constant and when our identity is in Him, we can NEVER come up empty.
A couple of blogs back I wrote about the Lord returning me the money I lost when my rear windshield was shattered. I thought it was awesome just getting my money back, but the Lord showed another layer of prophetic as I was writing. It was the rear window, and it cost $500 to repair. The Lord was prophetically saying He was using grace (the #5 is Biblically symbolic of grace) to restore hurts from the past. The short version of that word is He is using grace to restore past hurts from the church (I have a lot more on this but I'd rather talk about it in real life) That money was a prophetic sign and also gave me the provisions to go to Cornerstone.
Also I had a vision for what I would like my next tattoo to be. I have been wanting to get a tree tattoo but couldn't visualize how I wanted it to go. In the vision The Lord reminded me that He is the Tree and we are the branches (John 15:5) so I want to get a branch on my back shoulder with something like this:
It is two doves (the tattoo will be a solid black silhouette of the birds and branch) symbolizes peace, and how doves mate for life, that we are bonded together with peace in Christ.
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