Sometimes when I watch movies I get stressed out. Maybe I'm watching a movie that I have heard good things about, or been told I would like. This sets me up with expectations, my number one expectation is that this movie will have a happy conclusion.
This is where the stress comes in. I believe and expect a happy ending, but what I am seeing contradicts my expectations. There is conflict, drama, secrets and suspense that are standing in the way of my much desired happy ending.
Are you ever watching a movie like this with so much up in the air, then you look at the time left and see the movie only has like 8 minutes left? How can all this possibly resolve in 8 minutes?? Sometimes it seems impossible. You know that it will conclude in some way, and if you have prior knowledge of the movie then you expect this conclusion to be pleasant. Sometimes I just can't see how its going to happen.
This happens to me in real life
There are things I know, such as God is good, and He always works things out. These are my expectations. However these expectations can get lost in situations, Sometimes things are happening, and while abstractly I know it'll all work out, I can't see how. And there's only 8 mins left...how is all of this going to resolve??
Last week I had one of these experiences.
I didn't this summer, and as a teacher this equals no paycheck for 2 months. Going into it, I knew this and had planned and budgeted accordingly, but then life happened and I had unexpected expenses which left me super broke. On Thursday of last week, I paid all of my bills, and had a surplus of $40. This was all the money I had left for gas and food for 3 weeks as well as money for an 8 hr road trip, which I had calculated round trip would cost me about $140. I have to take next weekend. Needless to say I was pretty stressed out. I kept praying for a miracle, but felt guilty for asking, as it was my own fault that I was so broke. Then I decided that I don't deserve anything ever really, so worse case I could ask for a miracle and God could just say no. So I asked for a miracle, like magical money in my account or unexpected checks in the mail miracle.
I did not have faith this would help.
I kept thinking about how God is good and does ALWAYS work stuff out, but how I couldn't see how it could possibly happen this time. (how many times have I thought that??)
So Friday I woke up with a peace. I decided that stress wouldn't help me at all, and the Lord told me to just take things one day at a time, and the rest would work out. I chuckled at this a little thinking 'yeah ok' and went to work.
That evening I got an email from school saying that they had just processed my financial aid (a week late) and would be sending me a refund of $150. Which was just the amount I had prayed for, and would pay for my trip to VA.
Perfect. A little miracle that relieved my concerns for that trip, but still not a complete solution.
This morning came part two.
I went to check my account balance because I knew it'd be bad since I had to get some gas yesterday.
Now let my preface this with I am a state employee, and I get paid routinely at the end of every month. It used to be the last Friday of every month, but they changed it this year to the last day, which was the cause of my lack of money, since I wouldn't be getting a check until the last of this month and hadn't gotten a paycheck since the end June.
Ok.
So logged into my checking account today, and much much to my surprise, found there to be money in it. For whatever reason, my monthly paycheck had been deposited into my account this morning, rather then when its supposed to be deposited, Sep. 28th.
WOAH!
This is a miracle. Let me just say that really took me by surprise.
Like I said I am on the State payroll, and get paid with everyone else so either they changed the schedule and I didn't know or they made a mistake and paid me early.
I don't really care what happened, either way it is an absolute miracle and came at the exact time I need it.
My mind is kinda blown.
Like I said I didn't know how I was going to eat, or get gas for work these next few weeks. I had abstract faith but it was fickle and mostly I was worried. But Friday I decided to choose faith, and hope that with that choice faith would come.
God totally surprised me.
I am embarrassed at how surprised I am.
I am not writing this to brag or make myself look good at all. Like I said I feel lame for not expecting my prayers to be answered, literally exactly what I had asked for, miraculous money in the mail and in my account.
It's crazy.
I shared because God gave me a gift that I did't deserve or even expected to receive and I want to acknowledge that.
I didn't deserve that miracle in the same way I don't deserve anything from God, but He still wants us to ask and He still gives.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Uncommon Common Bonds
Are you ever doing something that feels rather normal and in your mind it seems like such a normal activity that you don't even question it as something abnormal until someone gives that look.
That look that is to say "what the heck is that....' or "who is this weirdo".
This happens to me all the time.
I can be going along, minding my own business when some jive turkey will be like "woah look at Kansas. She's eating that apple soooo strangely. I've never seen anyone eat an apple like that" (this was from a professor in the middle of a lecture who then proceeded to grab my apple and hold it up for the whole class to see and mock my eating strategies)
Suddenly my whole false illusion of "normality" (I won't get started on that today) is shattered and I am left questioning my very simplest of actions. (do I eat apples weirdly? How many different ways are there to eat an apple? Who even cares about the process of eating an apple? Do I eat other things strangely?)
It can be upsetting.
It can also be helpful. As a kid I had a severe speech impediment (which my folks choose to not tell me about..) that I found out existed when one of my friends informed me I "talked funny". This recognition also helped work through the problem and speak correctly.
Sometimes I'll be doing something or talking about something and based on other peoples reactions realize that what I am describing is something only my family does. I thought the "I SEE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS!!!!" game was universal. Sadly so far my family seems to be the originator (though over the years we have converted many folks to its wonders).
Its cool though when we can find common ground with other people. There are certain things that every (I guess every American at least) person seems to have experienced. Everyone played lava floor as a kid, even though I swear we made it up. Every kid raised in the 90's knows what ska is and every Christian in the 90's wasn't allowed to watch anything because everything was evil.
Every home-school has suffered through Saxton math and years and years of Ancient Egyptian studies.
It just happens.
Its the uncommon commonalities that I find fascinating.
When I was a little kid, visits to my grandparents always held certain consistencies.
There would always be gifts. (things like loose grapes. yard sale underwear. sand pales. used lip stick)
There would always be mass quantities of various potato based dishes.
And there was always strawberry jello.
My grandmother would always get frozen strawberries to add to the jello, but since jello is one of the grossest foods of ever, I would always just eat the frozen strawberries.
Even now as an adult, I still love frozen strawberries. My roommate got me a nice blender for Christmas and I have been trying different smoothies. I have discovered though that I really prefer to just the frozen smoothie mix to the actual smoothie.
Weird I know. I thought I was the only one who enjoyed eating frozen fruit.
Till today. I went to get some groceries and was going to buy some frozen fruit when I found they now sell serving sized cups of frozen fruit. Designed to store and eat frozen.
I am not the only one!
Cool.
When I was a teenager I was obsessed with being different. I tried some weird styles to look apart from everyone else. I didn't like popular things. (if you are thinking 'gah she has always been a hipster' i will be very offended (which makes me more of a hipster! ahhhh!) )
What I didn't know was, I'm pretty different already I don't really have to try very hard. (this is in a making fun of myself way not in a braggy way)
And also, those uncommon commonalities are pretty awesome.
CS Lewis once said: "“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one.”
Its a cool way God gave us to connect with those around us.
And sometimes it can start with something little like a common love for Five Iron Frenzy and turn into something great.
You never know :)
If there are other people in this world sitting at home with blue stained fingers (an unfortunate side-effect of eating frozen blueberries I discovered too late into an afternoon outing one day) just like myself, then who knows the possibilities.
Afterall, we are all apart of the same giant yarnball :)
That look that is to say "what the heck is that....' or "who is this weirdo".
This happens to me all the time.
I can be going along, minding my own business when some jive turkey will be like "woah look at Kansas. She's eating that apple soooo strangely. I've never seen anyone eat an apple like that" (this was from a professor in the middle of a lecture who then proceeded to grab my apple and hold it up for the whole class to see and mock my eating strategies)
Suddenly my whole false illusion of "normality" (I won't get started on that today) is shattered and I am left questioning my very simplest of actions. (do I eat apples weirdly? How many different ways are there to eat an apple? Who even cares about the process of eating an apple? Do I eat other things strangely?)
It can be upsetting.
It can also be helpful. As a kid I had a severe speech impediment (which my folks choose to not tell me about..) that I found out existed when one of my friends informed me I "talked funny". This recognition also helped work through the problem and speak correctly.
Sometimes I'll be doing something or talking about something and based on other peoples reactions realize that what I am describing is something only my family does. I thought the "I SEE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS!!!!" game was universal. Sadly so far my family seems to be the originator (though over the years we have converted many folks to its wonders).
Its cool though when we can find common ground with other people. There are certain things that every (I guess every American at least) person seems to have experienced. Everyone played lava floor as a kid, even though I swear we made it up. Every kid raised in the 90's knows what ska is and every Christian in the 90's wasn't allowed to watch anything because everything was evil.
Every home-school has suffered through Saxton math and years and years of Ancient Egyptian studies.
It just happens.
Its the uncommon commonalities that I find fascinating.
When I was a little kid, visits to my grandparents always held certain consistencies.
There would always be gifts. (things like loose grapes. yard sale underwear. sand pales. used lip stick)
There would always be mass quantities of various potato based dishes.
And there was always strawberry jello.
My grandmother would always get frozen strawberries to add to the jello, but since jello is one of the grossest foods of ever, I would always just eat the frozen strawberries.
Even now as an adult, I still love frozen strawberries. My roommate got me a nice blender for Christmas and I have been trying different smoothies. I have discovered though that I really prefer to just the frozen smoothie mix to the actual smoothie.
Weird I know. I thought I was the only one who enjoyed eating frozen fruit.
Till today. I went to get some groceries and was going to buy some frozen fruit when I found they now sell serving sized cups of frozen fruit. Designed to store and eat frozen.
I am not the only one!
Cool.
When I was a teenager I was obsessed with being different. I tried some weird styles to look apart from everyone else. I didn't like popular things. (if you are thinking 'gah she has always been a hipster' i will be very offended (which makes me more of a hipster! ahhhh!) )
What I didn't know was, I'm pretty different already I don't really have to try very hard. (this is in a making fun of myself way not in a braggy way)
And also, those uncommon commonalities are pretty awesome.
CS Lewis once said: "“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one.”
Its a cool way God gave us to connect with those around us.
And sometimes it can start with something little like a common love for Five Iron Frenzy and turn into something great.
You never know :)
If there are other people in this world sitting at home with blue stained fingers (an unfortunate side-effect of eating frozen blueberries I discovered too late into an afternoon outing one day) just like myself, then who knows the possibilities.
Afterall, we are all apart of the same giant yarnball :)
Sunday, January 15, 2012
There's Bad Luck & Good Luck. And Then There's Ironic Luck
The entertainment industry makes a copious amount of money every year with movies and TV shows based around the idea of ironic luck and awkwardness.
The Office.
Arrested Development.
Dinner for Schmucks
Due Date
Every Wes Anderson film
I could keep going, because to me it seems that being awkward and having ironic things happen to you is trendy.
Cool. That is me. Everyday.
When did this trend start?
In the 50's everything always went perfect in the movies. And in the 90's. (I'm skipping the 60's-80's because the obvious themes of anarchy and rebellion don't fit into my illustration today..perhaps another blog)
The character always will win that race, get that girl, score the perfect job. I mean can you even think of an episode of Full House where Bob Saget said the wrong thing? Nope. Everything was peachy keen all the time.
So I must say that I do appreciate that media now is more sympathetic towards the folks who maybe don't always say the right thing, or are awkward instead of suave. Who spill not one, but two of their three meals on themselves in one day. (...yep.)
I used to always say "that'd be my luck" in situations where something bad would happen.
But that is not entirely fair. I don't have bad luck, in fact I feel very lucky and blessed with what I have.
I do however have ironic luck. Things just happen to me (and my family) that is just weird. Ironic and strange. This most occurs when we try to do something normal, like go to church.
I build up these expectations in my mind of something is going to go down.
I should stop doing this.
I am always wrong.
This past New Year's Eve was one of those.
There was a worship service about an hour from me, so Ellysa & I decided to trundle over and spend the New Year in worship. We ended up not getting there till about 11:50 pm, almost mid-night.
Problem, the building looks empty. There are like 4 cars, no lights no sound. It appeared that no one was there.
This was disappointment number one.
With our plans thwarted, we decided to go back on the highway and watch the ball drop at midnight. On the way right off the highway, we saw a giant ball, covered in lights hanging from a crane. So as lame as that seemed it was a better option then spending midnight in the car being cranky.
So we drove back to where we saw it, and it was gone.
Disappointment number two. (how could they move a whole crane and giant ball so quickly??)
Our vain search for the ball led us down town. This was now 11:58 pm.
We saw large crowd in some grass so we decided to park and check it out.
So I pulled into the first space we could find.
As it turns out they were standing around for fireworks. It was now midnight. We knew there were fireworks happening not because we could see them, but we could could hear.
We couldn't see them because I had parked in front of the only building down town that was directly in front of the fireworks.
Disappointment number three.
When I teach my classes, I always create an example. I find it helpful to have a visual/physical thing to look at and say "ah, thats what I'm supposed to be doing." God likes this strategy also.
Growing up in a charismatic church was awesome, but had some faults. One thing I am learning to work through these days is the idea of grand, emotional em "super spiritual" experiences. These are pretty nice yes?
They are. But thing is, they can become about the emotions, the feelings you get from it, the experience rather then the Lord.
Maybe this is me only? I wanted to go to that worship thing not really to connect with the Lord, but to feel encouraged and ministered to by other people.
Ok. Let me splain.
A) I don't think its wrong to want encouragement from other Christians, that's where it should come from above all else
B) We can connect with God anywhere, it doesn't have to be some extreme meeting or fancy setup.
I think what I was doing though was placing my expectations in people or the situation rather then in the Lord. This whole past year has been a challenge, and I have been seeing a whole other side to Christianity.
Rather then having prophetic dreams all the time, or visions or deep emotional times of worship, its been more simple. (refer to my star/shooting star analogy) This used to make me feel like I was doing something wrong.
I don't feel this so much any more. Life is full of seasons and some seasons are quieter then others.
Perhaps you do the most growing in these quiet seasons?
Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling; 13 for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure.
Philippians 2:12-13
We cannot do anything to be more then what we are without God doing it through us. So when we feel less spiritual, how can that even be true when God is working through us? These quiet times are His hand too.
I'm slow with learning things so I'm glad for these lessons.
Though I do think if I could turn my life into a reality show and financially benefit too that would be good.
The Office.
Arrested Development.
Dinner for Schmucks
Due Date
Every Wes Anderson film
I could keep going, because to me it seems that being awkward and having ironic things happen to you is trendy.
Cool. That is me. Everyday.
When did this trend start?
In the 50's everything always went perfect in the movies. And in the 90's. (I'm skipping the 60's-80's because the obvious themes of anarchy and rebellion don't fit into my illustration today..perhaps another blog)
The character always will win that race, get that girl, score the perfect job. I mean can you even think of an episode of Full House where Bob Saget said the wrong thing? Nope. Everything was peachy keen all the time.
So I must say that I do appreciate that media now is more sympathetic towards the folks who maybe don't always say the right thing, or are awkward instead of suave. Who spill not one, but two of their three meals on themselves in one day. (...yep.)
I used to always say "that'd be my luck" in situations where something bad would happen.
But that is not entirely fair. I don't have bad luck, in fact I feel very lucky and blessed with what I have.
I do however have ironic luck. Things just happen to me (and my family) that is just weird. Ironic and strange. This most occurs when we try to do something normal, like go to church.
I build up these expectations in my mind of something is going to go down.
I should stop doing this.
I am always wrong.
This past New Year's Eve was one of those.
There was a worship service about an hour from me, so Ellysa & I decided to trundle over and spend the New Year in worship. We ended up not getting there till about 11:50 pm, almost mid-night.
Problem, the building looks empty. There are like 4 cars, no lights no sound. It appeared that no one was there.
This was disappointment number one.
With our plans thwarted, we decided to go back on the highway and watch the ball drop at midnight. On the way right off the highway, we saw a giant ball, covered in lights hanging from a crane. So as lame as that seemed it was a better option then spending midnight in the car being cranky.
So we drove back to where we saw it, and it was gone.
Disappointment number two. (how could they move a whole crane and giant ball so quickly??)
Our vain search for the ball led us down town. This was now 11:58 pm.
We saw large crowd in some grass so we decided to park and check it out.
So I pulled into the first space we could find.
As it turns out they were standing around for fireworks. It was now midnight. We knew there were fireworks happening not because we could see them, but we could could hear.
We couldn't see them because I had parked in front of the only building down town that was directly in front of the fireworks.
Disappointment number three.
When I teach my classes, I always create an example. I find it helpful to have a visual/physical thing to look at and say "ah, thats what I'm supposed to be doing." God likes this strategy also.
Growing up in a charismatic church was awesome, but had some faults. One thing I am learning to work through these days is the idea of grand, emotional em "super spiritual" experiences. These are pretty nice yes?
They are. But thing is, they can become about the emotions, the feelings you get from it, the experience rather then the Lord.
Maybe this is me only? I wanted to go to that worship thing not really to connect with the Lord, but to feel encouraged and ministered to by other people.
Ok. Let me splain.
A) I don't think its wrong to want encouragement from other Christians, that's where it should come from above all else
B) We can connect with God anywhere, it doesn't have to be some extreme meeting or fancy setup.
I think what I was doing though was placing my expectations in people or the situation rather then in the Lord. This whole past year has been a challenge, and I have been seeing a whole other side to Christianity.
Rather then having prophetic dreams all the time, or visions or deep emotional times of worship, its been more simple. (refer to my star/shooting star analogy) This used to make me feel like I was doing something wrong.
I don't feel this so much any more. Life is full of seasons and some seasons are quieter then others.
Perhaps you do the most growing in these quiet seasons?
Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling; 13 for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure.
Philippians 2:12-13
We cannot do anything to be more then what we are without God doing it through us. So when we feel less spiritual, how can that even be true when God is working through us? These quiet times are His hand too.
I'm slow with learning things so I'm glad for these lessons.
Though I do think if I could turn my life into a reality show and financially benefit too that would be good.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
I Really Should Stop Naming Things Elwood.
The Blues Brothers is one of my favorite movies of all time.
Now, that is to say while it will always remain my "favorite" I have other favorites, just Blues Bros is my most favorite. (thank you Brian Regan)
Growing up with Michael who is constantly making charts and lists comparing movies, I feel the need to note some favorites before continuing:
1. Blues Brothers
2. The Jerk
3. The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra
4.The NeverEnding Story
5. Son of Rambow
6. Darjeeling Limited
7. Rushmore
8. Royal Tenebaums
9. Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure
10. Hot Rod
So theres that.
Ever since I first saw The Blues Brothers I loved it. I especially love Dan Aykroyd as Elwood Blues.
Plus Elwood is a fantastic name. So I started naming inadament objects Elwood.
This has gone terribly wrong.
When I was 18 my parents surprised me with a car for Christmas. It was awesome, an old Jeep and was my first car. So of course, I named it Elwood. That morning I drove it down the driveway and back. (it was Christmas and I had nowhere to go so I just toured the driveway.)
The next day the engine threw a rod and destroyed the whole engine killing the car before I ever got to drive it.
Nice.
My first computer I named Elwood.
It lasted a while but recently died.
I got a killer MP3 Player last year.
Named it Elwood.
It dies one week before its 3 month warranty expired. Then I got snowed in for a week. (This was the week when I was snowed in with my roommates for like 5 days straight and I started this blog to keep from going Jack Nicholson on everyone)
I named my last lap-top Elwood.
I had it for not even two years.
It died too.
(Now I have no computer. (I am using my work computer but I can't check Facebook or my email))
I used to joke about naming my first kid Elwood.
I realize now that is a terrible idea.
I am sad at not having a computer. Though about 3 months ago I got this feeling that my computer was close to dying. I just had this feeling it was coming. So when it happened I wasn't that surprised.
Disappointed yes because I can't afford a new one, but not surprised.
A couple months ago I started getting paranoid about my tires. I had a feeling that I was getting close to a flat. One day on my way to work, BAM flat tire.
Again I wasn't really that surprised. (my tire went flat in my driveway which was lucky. But as it turns out I cannot in fact change a tire (I was trying to remove a hub-cap that didn't exist) so I had to call James to rescue me but for the record I NOW know how to change a tire so thats something right?)
I think the Lord gives us these little heads up. You can call it premonition or whatever sounds right to you but I think its just God connecting to us through the little things.
At MorningStar, Steve used to always compare these moments to the signs on the highway reminding you what highway you are on.
You know those long stretches of highway where you are just driving driving and suddenly forget where you are or what road you are on. (I get paraniod that I have missed a turn or somehow meandered away from where I should be) Then comes this nice little sign reminding you that you are still on I-40 and everything is OK. (I was thinking this weekend how so much of my adult life has been around I-40, its crazy! Between Bible school & MorningStar & school I have spent copious amounts of time on that road)
Those little moments of premonition are I think God just reminding us that we are going in the right direction and everything is as it should be.
That is to say I don't get a heads up about everything.
In fact most things surprise me.
And thats been nice too.
But I do appreciate those "hey you are still on the right road" reminders.
Also, now I know to not ever name anything Elwood unless I hate it and want it to die.
Now, that is to say while it will always remain my "favorite" I have other favorites, just Blues Bros is my most favorite. (thank you Brian Regan)
Growing up with Michael who is constantly making charts and lists comparing movies, I feel the need to note some favorites before continuing:
1. Blues Brothers
2. The Jerk
3. The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra
4.The NeverEnding Story
5. Son of Rambow
6. Darjeeling Limited
7. Rushmore
8. Royal Tenebaums
9. Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure
10. Hot Rod
So theres that.
Ever since I first saw The Blues Brothers I loved it. I especially love Dan Aykroyd as Elwood Blues.
Plus Elwood is a fantastic name. So I started naming inadament objects Elwood.
This has gone terribly wrong.
When I was 18 my parents surprised me with a car for Christmas. It was awesome, an old Jeep and was my first car. So of course, I named it Elwood. That morning I drove it down the driveway and back. (it was Christmas and I had nowhere to go so I just toured the driveway.)
The next day the engine threw a rod and destroyed the whole engine killing the car before I ever got to drive it.
Nice.
My first computer I named Elwood.
It lasted a while but recently died.
I got a killer MP3 Player last year.
Named it Elwood.
It dies one week before its 3 month warranty expired. Then I got snowed in for a week. (This was the week when I was snowed in with my roommates for like 5 days straight and I started this blog to keep from going Jack Nicholson on everyone)
I named my last lap-top Elwood.
I had it for not even two years.
It died too.
(Now I have no computer. (I am using my work computer but I can't check Facebook or my email))
I used to joke about naming my first kid Elwood.
I realize now that is a terrible idea.
I am sad at not having a computer. Though about 3 months ago I got this feeling that my computer was close to dying. I just had this feeling it was coming. So when it happened I wasn't that surprised.
Disappointed yes because I can't afford a new one, but not surprised.
A couple months ago I started getting paranoid about my tires. I had a feeling that I was getting close to a flat. One day on my way to work, BAM flat tire.
Again I wasn't really that surprised. (my tire went flat in my driveway which was lucky. But as it turns out I cannot in fact change a tire (I was trying to remove a hub-cap that didn't exist) so I had to call James to rescue me but for the record I NOW know how to change a tire so thats something right?)
I think the Lord gives us these little heads up. You can call it premonition or whatever sounds right to you but I think its just God connecting to us through the little things.
At MorningStar, Steve used to always compare these moments to the signs on the highway reminding you what highway you are on.
You know those long stretches of highway where you are just driving driving and suddenly forget where you are or what road you are on. (I get paraniod that I have missed a turn or somehow meandered away from where I should be) Then comes this nice little sign reminding you that you are still on I-40 and everything is OK. (I was thinking this weekend how so much of my adult life has been around I-40, its crazy! Between Bible school & MorningStar & school I have spent copious amounts of time on that road)
Those little moments of premonition are I think God just reminding us that we are going in the right direction and everything is as it should be.
That is to say I don't get a heads up about everything.
In fact most things surprise me.
And thats been nice too.
But I do appreciate those "hey you are still on the right road" reminders.
Also, now I know to not ever name anything Elwood unless I hate it and want it to die.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Traveling the Dangerous Vortex Between Sleep and Awake
Sometimes when my alarm goes off in the morning, I have this strange sensation that I have just been summoned from the grave. (extreme I know just follow this thought through)
It starts calm, an innocent quiet feeling that is suddenly distrubed by a dull beep.
This beeping starts to become rhythmical and louder.
As the beeping grows louder, I feel my dream self, quiet and content, abruptly grabbed from happy peaceful dream land and drug through a vast and intense worm hole like vortex. I usually emerge from this vortex groping for my alarm and saying "UGGG".
This morning I smacked myself in the face during a misguided reach for my alarm.
Sometimes in movies, they do this thing where someone dies.
The person is "dead" and experiencing some out of body vision but saved by the calling of their name from a loved one and is drug back into reality and wakes again to life.
While I acknowledge my nightly waking and sleeping is not as dramatic as being brought to life from being dead, at times it feels a little similar.
I do not therefor transition from sleep to awake very efficiently. Those who have known me for awhile can testify to this, remembering stories like the wood log cabin. (one morning on my way to class, I did what I thought was bring in wood for the stove and put in the wood rack. What I in fact had done was made a wood log cabin beside the wood rack, neglected to put any wood in the actual stove and left the front door open)
A couple of months ago I was bored so I grabbed my camera and went up to the parkway. I wasted time until it was sunset time and plopped down in my favorite overlook and watched the sunset.
I have never told anyone this but I am willing to admit that I cried at the freakin' sunset.
I did. I'm that kid who cries at sunsets.(feel free at this point to mock and judge. Its deserved)
It just happens, it was so beautiful and I just got overwhelmed by God's beauty and love I couldn't help it.
I love moments like that though, moments where Gods love and peace is so overwhelming that it feels almost beyond comprehension. Its tapping into this supernatural vast of love God has for us. One of my favorite verses talks about this:
It starts calm, an innocent quiet feeling that is suddenly distrubed by a dull beep.
This beeping starts to become rhythmical and louder.
As the beeping grows louder, I feel my dream self, quiet and content, abruptly grabbed from happy peaceful dream land and drug through a vast and intense worm hole like vortex. I usually emerge from this vortex groping for my alarm and saying "UGGG".
This morning I smacked myself in the face during a misguided reach for my alarm.
Sometimes in movies, they do this thing where someone dies.
The person is "dead" and experiencing some out of body vision but saved by the calling of their name from a loved one and is drug back into reality and wakes again to life.
While I acknowledge my nightly waking and sleeping is not as dramatic as being brought to life from being dead, at times it feels a little similar.
I do not therefor transition from sleep to awake very efficiently. Those who have known me for awhile can testify to this, remembering stories like the wood log cabin. (one morning on my way to class, I did what I thought was bring in wood for the stove and put in the wood rack. What I in fact had done was made a wood log cabin beside the wood rack, neglected to put any wood in the actual stove and left the front door open)
A couple of months ago I was bored so I grabbed my camera and went up to the parkway. I wasted time until it was sunset time and plopped down in my favorite overlook and watched the sunset.
I have never told anyone this but I am willing to admit that I cried at the freakin' sunset.
I did. I'm that kid who cries at sunsets.(feel free at this point to mock and judge. Its deserved)
It just happens, it was so beautiful and I just got overwhelmed by God's beauty and love I couldn't help it.
I love moments like that though, moments where Gods love and peace is so overwhelming that it feels almost beyond comprehension. Its tapping into this supernatural vast of love God has for us. One of my favorite verses talks about this:
Psalm 139:17-19
New King James Version (NKJV)
How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
When I awake, I am still with You.
I haven't had a lot of these moments lately though. I have mentioned my therory about star gazing before. I believe on a clear night, if you give it enough time, you will see a shooting star every time.
My current favorite form of star gazing could be considered quite clever, or rather lazy.
Depends.
I say clever. See its winter right? So naturally its cold outside. So my current strategy is to drive somewhere and then lay on the hood of my car because its warm from driving. Clever eh? (yes. Not lazy.) So anyways last week was Thanksgiving. (Well more like 2 or 3 weeks ago.)
Whatever.
Doesn't matter.
I came back home Thanksgiving night and did some contemplative star gazing in my driveway. I was thinking about junk and how long it had been since I saw a shooting star (this is just a matter of maybe 30 seconds) when I settle down and look up to see a brilliant shooting star. I stayed out there maybe 30 mins and saw 2 more.
It was pretty cool.
And unexpected. (lately I have been doubting my 'always see a shooting star' theory) But you know, it doesn't really matter. While shooting stars are amazing, stars in their own right are pretty cool too. Sometimes with the Lord I look for big obvious signs, which again, is nice. But sometimes, He speaks in just little tiny things. And I'm learning to love that too.
My last blog (which was in July, I have been busy (or lazy you choose)) was about obedience. Surprise surprise I am reading another CS Lewis book, Mere Christianity. He talks at one point about love and obedience. (I can never spell obedience, there is this song I learned from camp as a kid that spells it out and every time I type that word I have to sing the song to myself) Lewis makes a statement that I have been pondering these days:
How great is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
When I awake, I am still with You.
I haven't had a lot of these moments lately though. I have mentioned my therory about star gazing before. I believe on a clear night, if you give it enough time, you will see a shooting star every time.
My current favorite form of star gazing could be considered quite clever, or rather lazy.
Depends.
I say clever. See its winter right? So naturally its cold outside. So my current strategy is to drive somewhere and then lay on the hood of my car because its warm from driving. Clever eh? (yes. Not lazy.) So anyways last week was Thanksgiving. (Well more like 2 or 3 weeks ago.)
Whatever.
Doesn't matter.
I came back home Thanksgiving night and did some contemplative star gazing in my driveway. I was thinking about junk and how long it had been since I saw a shooting star (this is just a matter of maybe 30 seconds) when I settle down and look up to see a brilliant shooting star. I stayed out there maybe 30 mins and saw 2 more.
It was pretty cool.
And unexpected. (lately I have been doubting my 'always see a shooting star' theory) But you know, it doesn't really matter. While shooting stars are amazing, stars in their own right are pretty cool too. Sometimes with the Lord I look for big obvious signs, which again, is nice. But sometimes, He speaks in just little tiny things. And I'm learning to love that too.
My last blog (which was in July, I have been busy (or lazy you choose)) was about obedience. Surprise surprise I am reading another CS Lewis book, Mere Christianity. He talks at one point about love and obedience. (I can never spell obedience, there is this song I learned from camp as a kid that spells it out and every time I type that word I have to sing the song to myself) Lewis makes a statement that I have been pondering these days:
" I may repeat "Do as you would be done by" till I am black in the face, but I cannot really carry it out till I love my neighbour as myself: and I cannotlearn to love my neighbor as myself till I learn to love God: and I cannot
learn to love God except by learning to obey Him." CS Lewis, Mere Christianity
I think part of this thing I'm learning these days is about obedience and listening for the Quiet Voice. And while sometimes like my alarm, these great dramatic and extreme events can happen, sometimes His still small voice can be more effective in getting our attention.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Between A and B, It Usually Turns Out to Be Something Random Like M or G
I have this bad habit of accidentally making predictions of how a given situation will pan out.
As an extremist (in certain ways) I tend to think of the outcome in either A. amazingly awesome or B. terribly awful results.
This almost never happens.
Sometimes I'll feel and creative think of maybe a C or D, but never foreseeing the actual results.
For example, recently I had jury duty. In learning of my "duty" I promptly listened to Jury Duty by the OC Supertones and finished the book I was reading which BY CHANCE happened to be a CS Lewis book (I will talk more of this book soon)
As I was sitting in the courthouse, my mind made all these assumptions as to what would happen.
A. While sitting in the courthouse I would meet someone awesome and become best friends or they would give me a million dollars (or something to that extent)
B. I would be called to sit on some awful trial and be forced into a heated debate with the other jurors about a strangers fate.
My thinking led me to conclude that being called for jury duty was either for my unseen benefit (A) or was some awful trial I had to suffer through (B) for some unforeseen benefit of someone else.
Neither A or B happened.
Instead I sat in a courtroom for a few hours reading and then went home.
In both my imaginary conclusions I was at the center, either in a positive light or negative light. This is the problem with expectations, we put ourselves at the center.
In the end, jury duty was just that, duty, an obedient act that had no visible consequences for me.
The book I am reading is Perelandra by C.S. Lewis and is the second book in a space trilogy. I don't want to give anything away as its a great book and I highly recommend the trilogy if you love C.S. Lewis' work as much as I do.
In the book there is a conversation about obedience. In this conversation it is being said that God creates situations in which we are called to obey for no other reason then for the experience of obedience. Lewis' character Ransom goes on further to say that these situations are for us to choose obedience over our will as a way of getting closer to God. In other situations it may be our pleasure to obey God, whether it directly benefits us or is within our on will, some acts of obedience are very easy to do and want.
Other things though, may be against our will but even those situations though hard at first prove to be beneficial in the end.
This is where the A and B assumptions come into play. God asks us to do something and (maybe its just me) we assume it will either have positive results or really suck (but eventually turn around to good).
Once again we are at the center of expectations.
A few years ago I had some rough experiences with the church. I had created all these self-promoting expectations and was let down when they didn't happen. (I am not trying to down play the gravity of what happened I just don't want to get into it right now)
Since that experience, I decided that expectations in general were bad, and therefor I should try not to expect anything, therefor being pleasantly surprised by good things and never let down.
This is a sad way to live and recently God has been challenging these ideas. The problem with expectations like I said is we put ourselves at the center, either in a positive or negative way. The Lord is suggesting that if He is the center of our expectations then we can't go wrong.
What do we know about the Lord and His plans?
A. They are good (Jeremiah 29:11)
B. They are beyond our understanding (Isiah 55:8)
So if we put our expectations in Him rather then in the results then we won't be let down.
Obedience is much the same. I feel God told me to start going to this church. I have been twice now (I skipped toady but that feels like another blog) but haven't really seen much why I should go there. Again I started with expectations of either a totally awesome or awful experience and have had neither.
I don't really see why but I really do feel God told me to go there, and then I started reading this book. As I have mentioned the whole book is about obeying, even when if not especially when it doesn't make any sense. Lewis challenges the reader with the statement:
"Predestination and freedom are apparently identical."
(Not to go into the Calvinistic ideas of predestination vs free will)
My reaction to acts of simple obedience like this is a feeling of losing freedom. Lewis is saying however that when we follow what the Lord has for us through choosing to obey, then that is where true freedom lies.
That's why He gives us these opportunities, not to control us, but to give an opportunity to grow closer through the act and to walk in deeper freedom.
I don't mean to sound like I have all this figured out, because I sure don't.
God told me to go to church and this morning I didn't because I was scared of the commitment. When I write blogs its me processing what God is teaching me. I never have it figured out, that's why i blog about it. Its teaching myself.
Thanks for reading and processing with me :)
As an extremist (in certain ways) I tend to think of the outcome in either A. amazingly awesome or B. terribly awful results.
This almost never happens.
Sometimes I'll feel and creative think of maybe a C or D, but never foreseeing the actual results.
For example, recently I had jury duty. In learning of my "duty" I promptly listened to Jury Duty by the OC Supertones and finished the book I was reading which BY CHANCE happened to be a CS Lewis book (I will talk more of this book soon)
As I was sitting in the courthouse, my mind made all these assumptions as to what would happen.
A. While sitting in the courthouse I would meet someone awesome and become best friends or they would give me a million dollars (or something to that extent)
B. I would be called to sit on some awful trial and be forced into a heated debate with the other jurors about a strangers fate.
My thinking led me to conclude that being called for jury duty was either for my unseen benefit (A) or was some awful trial I had to suffer through (B) for some unforeseen benefit of someone else.
Neither A or B happened.
Instead I sat in a courtroom for a few hours reading and then went home.
In both my imaginary conclusions I was at the center, either in a positive light or negative light. This is the problem with expectations, we put ourselves at the center.
In the end, jury duty was just that, duty, an obedient act that had no visible consequences for me.
The book I am reading is Perelandra by C.S. Lewis and is the second book in a space trilogy. I don't want to give anything away as its a great book and I highly recommend the trilogy if you love C.S. Lewis' work as much as I do.
In the book there is a conversation about obedience. In this conversation it is being said that God creates situations in which we are called to obey for no other reason then for the experience of obedience. Lewis' character Ransom goes on further to say that these situations are for us to choose obedience over our will as a way of getting closer to God. In other situations it may be our pleasure to obey God, whether it directly benefits us or is within our on will, some acts of obedience are very easy to do and want.
Other things though, may be against our will but even those situations though hard at first prove to be beneficial in the end.
This is where the A and B assumptions come into play. God asks us to do something and (maybe its just me) we assume it will either have positive results or really suck (but eventually turn around to good).
Once again we are at the center of expectations.
A few years ago I had some rough experiences with the church. I had created all these self-promoting expectations and was let down when they didn't happen. (I am not trying to down play the gravity of what happened I just don't want to get into it right now)
Since that experience, I decided that expectations in general were bad, and therefor I should try not to expect anything, therefor being pleasantly surprised by good things and never let down.
This is a sad way to live and recently God has been challenging these ideas. The problem with expectations like I said is we put ourselves at the center, either in a positive or negative way. The Lord is suggesting that if He is the center of our expectations then we can't go wrong.
What do we know about the Lord and His plans?
A. They are good (Jeremiah 29:11)
B. They are beyond our understanding (Isiah 55:8)
So if we put our expectations in Him rather then in the results then we won't be let down.
Obedience is much the same. I feel God told me to start going to this church. I have been twice now (I skipped toady but that feels like another blog) but haven't really seen much why I should go there. Again I started with expectations of either a totally awesome or awful experience and have had neither.
I don't really see why but I really do feel God told me to go there, and then I started reading this book. As I have mentioned the whole book is about obeying, even when if not especially when it doesn't make any sense. Lewis challenges the reader with the statement:
"Predestination and freedom are apparently identical."
(Not to go into the Calvinistic ideas of predestination vs free will)
My reaction to acts of simple obedience like this is a feeling of losing freedom. Lewis is saying however that when we follow what the Lord has for us through choosing to obey, then that is where true freedom lies.
That's why He gives us these opportunities, not to control us, but to give an opportunity to grow closer through the act and to walk in deeper freedom.
I don't mean to sound like I have all this figured out, because I sure don't.
God told me to go to church and this morning I didn't because I was scared of the commitment. When I write blogs its me processing what God is teaching me. I never have it figured out, that's why i blog about it. Its teaching myself.
Thanks for reading and processing with me :)
Thursday, July 7, 2011
I Shouldn't Be Surprised When God Answers My Questions (But I always am)
I just finished my first year of teaching.
If you've read my blogs or talked to me in real life then you'll know that this year was both great and tragic.
The year was God constantly challenging me and my definitions of love and ministry.
I was blessed to see Him move, and challenged to just exist in His love and not worry about seeing Him move but having faith He did.
I really do feel lucky at my jobs and everyday thankful I get to do what I do. However, at the end of each day I just came home mentally and emotionally drained. It felt like all of me was being spent at work everyday and when I got home, there was nothing left.
I know that first year teaching is always the hardest but the level of emptiness I was feeling at the end of each day didn't feel right.
Before coming to Cornerstone I sought the Lord with questions of why I was feeling so empty. I had very specific questions I asked and as Cornerstone progressed, each question (word for word at times) was answered.
The first day of the fest I spent just wandering around, overwhelmed by being surrounded by so many Christians. A few months ago the Lord gave me a dream about reconnecting with a church and has been pressuring me ever since to join a church.
This was like 3 months ago and.....I never did anything about it. I wanted to, but also didn't want to at all. I have some distrust for the church that I am working through and while I know God is calling me back into organized church, I didn't want to do it. So I haven't......
Cornerstone however is different and has church much like what I am looking for so I felt safe walking into a service there.
The first service I went to was a spirit-filled group and during the worship God showed me something very cool. In John 4:24 the Bible talks about worshipers who worship in Spirit and in truth. I saw this happening in a vision. I saw the body worshiping, but as people began to enter into spirit worship, I saw their own Spirit manifest and connect with the Holy Spirit. In the vision, people all over the tent were manifesting their spirit, connecting to the Holy Spirit, and the other people, so it was this massive, outer body, supernatural worship through the Holy Spirit.
It was quite possibly the coolest thing I have ever seen. My words don't describe it accurately and I tried drawing both a literal and abstract interpretation of it but it fails in awesomeness as to what I really saw.
I have always felt the difference between worship/singing compared to worshiping in the Spirit (John 4:24- "God is Spirit and those who worship Him must worship in Spirit and truth.') but until now had no visual reference or solid way to explain it.
So that was awesome, being reminded that corporate worship is a supernatural experience and though God meets us when we worship alone, worshiping with a group like that can literally be an out of body experience.
When the speaker began, I had to choke down my immediate expectations of disagreement. (why do I react this way?) He started talking about church and how God is teaching Him to do church not from a place of "we know better then you" but a place of love and humility.
His attitudes and thoughts on the church are very similar to mine, though he was speaking from a place just beyond where I am now.
He gave a fantastic analogy about why we as Christians need to church. He compared the church to the show "Biggest Loser". I have never seen the show, but his metaphor made perfect sense and was something like this:
The show is designed to help severely overweight people not only lose weight, but develop disciplined and healthy lifestyles. When people join the show, they are admitting that they need help, that they essentially cannot do it on their own. The people on the show are there to support and help, and step in with discipline accountability and rules. Though its difficult at first and the rules feel restricting, as they progress, an inner discipline comes out and the rules become a natural part of them. He likened this to Christians and why we need the church. When we get spiritually out of shape we need to turn to the church and admit we need them. (this is a hard part eh?) Like being retrained physically, getting back into church is a discipline that may feel odd and unpleasant at first (maybe thats just me?) but as we get back into God's heart our Spirit is strengthened and we no longer feel restricted but free. The "rules" of the church no longer seem to be annoying but a natural extension of our Spiritual attitude.
To be honest, I have been very out of shape Spiritually. For real. I am admitting it now and seeking a church as the Lord continues to pressure me haha. (which what a sweet friend we have in the Lord, He pressures us to do things not for His benefit but our own)
The second part of my answer came through a word I have heard many times, but apparently not enough. It was about placing our identity in Christ rather then in what we do. How often have I heard this? (oh so many times) Yeeeeeeeet, I had been doing it.....Everyday.
I had been completely placing my identity in my job, which is why I felt like nothing at the end of the day! (that sentence needed an "!" as it is a fresh revelation to me every time I say it) If I put all my worth in my job, then no freakin wonder I felt nothing when I wasn't there because I was no longer doing the thing I let define me. Unlike work or anything or person God is constant and when our identity is in Him, we can NEVER come up empty.
A couple of blogs back I wrote about the Lord returning me the money I lost when my rear windshield was shattered. I thought it was awesome just getting my money back, but the Lord showed another layer of prophetic as I was writing. It was the rear window, and it cost $500 to repair. The Lord was prophetically saying He was using grace (the #5 is Biblically symbolic of grace) to restore hurts from the past. The short version of that word is He is using grace to restore past hurts from the church (I have a lot more on this but I'd rather talk about it in real life) That money was a prophetic sign and also gave me the provisions to go to Cornerstone.
Also I had a vision for what I would like my next tattoo to be. I have been wanting to get a tree tattoo but couldn't visualize how I wanted it to go. In the vision The Lord reminded me that He is the Tree and we are the branches (John 15:5) so I want to get a branch on my back shoulder with something like this:
....That was a lot of words :)
If you've read my blogs or talked to me in real life then you'll know that this year was both great and tragic.
The year was God constantly challenging me and my definitions of love and ministry.
I was blessed to see Him move, and challenged to just exist in His love and not worry about seeing Him move but having faith He did.
I really do feel lucky at my jobs and everyday thankful I get to do what I do. However, at the end of each day I just came home mentally and emotionally drained. It felt like all of me was being spent at work everyday and when I got home, there was nothing left.
I know that first year teaching is always the hardest but the level of emptiness I was feeling at the end of each day didn't feel right.
Before coming to Cornerstone I sought the Lord with questions of why I was feeling so empty. I had very specific questions I asked and as Cornerstone progressed, each question (word for word at times) was answered.
The first day of the fest I spent just wandering around, overwhelmed by being surrounded by so many Christians. A few months ago the Lord gave me a dream about reconnecting with a church and has been pressuring me ever since to join a church.
This was like 3 months ago and.....I never did anything about it. I wanted to, but also didn't want to at all. I have some distrust for the church that I am working through and while I know God is calling me back into organized church, I didn't want to do it. So I haven't......
Cornerstone however is different and has church much like what I am looking for so I felt safe walking into a service there.
The first service I went to was a spirit-filled group and during the worship God showed me something very cool. In John 4:24 the Bible talks about worshipers who worship in Spirit and in truth. I saw this happening in a vision. I saw the body worshiping, but as people began to enter into spirit worship, I saw their own Spirit manifest and connect with the Holy Spirit. In the vision, people all over the tent were manifesting their spirit, connecting to the Holy Spirit, and the other people, so it was this massive, outer body, supernatural worship through the Holy Spirit.
It was quite possibly the coolest thing I have ever seen. My words don't describe it accurately and I tried drawing both a literal and abstract interpretation of it but it fails in awesomeness as to what I really saw.
I have always felt the difference between worship/singing compared to worshiping in the Spirit (John 4:24- "God is Spirit and those who worship Him must worship in Spirit and truth.') but until now had no visual reference or solid way to explain it.
So that was awesome, being reminded that corporate worship is a supernatural experience and though God meets us when we worship alone, worshiping with a group like that can literally be an out of body experience.
When the speaker began, I had to choke down my immediate expectations of disagreement. (why do I react this way?) He started talking about church and how God is teaching Him to do church not from a place of "we know better then you" but a place of love and humility.
His attitudes and thoughts on the church are very similar to mine, though he was speaking from a place just beyond where I am now.
He gave a fantastic analogy about why we as Christians need to church. He compared the church to the show "Biggest Loser". I have never seen the show, but his metaphor made perfect sense and was something like this:
The show is designed to help severely overweight people not only lose weight, but develop disciplined and healthy lifestyles. When people join the show, they are admitting that they need help, that they essentially cannot do it on their own. The people on the show are there to support and help, and step in with discipline accountability and rules. Though its difficult at first and the rules feel restricting, as they progress, an inner discipline comes out and the rules become a natural part of them. He likened this to Christians and why we need the church. When we get spiritually out of shape we need to turn to the church and admit we need them. (this is a hard part eh?) Like being retrained physically, getting back into church is a discipline that may feel odd and unpleasant at first (maybe thats just me?) but as we get back into God's heart our Spirit is strengthened and we no longer feel restricted but free. The "rules" of the church no longer seem to be annoying but a natural extension of our Spiritual attitude.
To be honest, I have been very out of shape Spiritually. For real. I am admitting it now and seeking a church as the Lord continues to pressure me haha. (which what a sweet friend we have in the Lord, He pressures us to do things not for His benefit but our own)
The second part of my answer came through a word I have heard many times, but apparently not enough. It was about placing our identity in Christ rather then in what we do. How often have I heard this? (oh so many times) Yeeeeeeeet, I had been doing it.....Everyday.
I had been completely placing my identity in my job, which is why I felt like nothing at the end of the day! (that sentence needed an "!" as it is a fresh revelation to me every time I say it) If I put all my worth in my job, then no freakin wonder I felt nothing when I wasn't there because I was no longer doing the thing I let define me. Unlike work or anything or person God is constant and when our identity is in Him, we can NEVER come up empty.
A couple of blogs back I wrote about the Lord returning me the money I lost when my rear windshield was shattered. I thought it was awesome just getting my money back, but the Lord showed another layer of prophetic as I was writing. It was the rear window, and it cost $500 to repair. The Lord was prophetically saying He was using grace (the #5 is Biblically symbolic of grace) to restore hurts from the past. The short version of that word is He is using grace to restore past hurts from the church (I have a lot more on this but I'd rather talk about it in real life) That money was a prophetic sign and also gave me the provisions to go to Cornerstone.
Also I had a vision for what I would like my next tattoo to be. I have been wanting to get a tree tattoo but couldn't visualize how I wanted it to go. In the vision The Lord reminded me that He is the Tree and we are the branches (John 15:5) so I want to get a branch on my back shoulder with something like this:
It is two doves (the tattoo will be a solid black silhouette of the birds and branch) symbolizes peace, and how doves mate for life, that we are bonded together with peace in Christ.
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